Welcome to the familiar world of attorney, legal assistant, legal support staff, and world-at-large SNAFUs. This column is written to remind us to laugh at the mistakes we and others make.
FROM THE COURTROOM
Q. Mrs. Smith, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
Q. Mr. Jones, do you understand that you are under oath and must tell the whole truth?
A. Yes sir. I will tell the truth of the parts of this deal if I know what they are. I think.
Q. What do you do for a living?
A. I help my brother.
Q. What does your brother do?
A. Nothing.
Q. Mr. White, where did you attend high school?
A. Well, I, uh, attended, no I didn't attend, actually, my brother did, and I didn't.
Q. So, you didn't complete your high school education?
A. Well, I went to GED classes, but I couldn't find the place for the test so I think it don't count. What do you think?
A. I think you are right.
Q. How on earth did you come to get completely intoxicated?
A. I got in bad company. You see, there were four of us. I had a bottle of whiskey, and the other three don't touch the stuff.
MEANWHILE BACK IN THE OFFICE, SPELL CHECK "GOTCHA"
- The parties to this agreement intended to commit fraud and were in collision.
- We have reviled your documents and return them herewith.
- The souse of the landowner is not willing to sign the lease.
- You should consider drafting a martial agreement prior to the wedding.
- Under the doctrine of respondeat superior, he was not responsible for the act of his agent because the agent was not within the cope of his authority.
- Headings shall not be used to interrupt or construe the provisions of this Agreement.
- Thank you for your generous contribution. We wish to bank everyone who contributed.
And then there is Debbie Kunkel of Midland who assisted her supervising attorney in the preparation of an oil and gas title opinion which contained numerous references to "doe snot" even though the client didn't think that matters pertaining to the surface of the land included problems with deer!
AH, THE WRITTEN WORD
From Linda J. Slayter, a legal assistant in Tyler:
This letter came to the attorney for ''the other side'' :
''Dear Mr. Opposing Counsel:
I cannot accept your offer of $1,250.00. I suppose we better get ready for depositions. I do not know if you know anything about me, but I have tried nothing but personal injury cases for over 25 years. At the risk of being immodest, I have more than $25 in three different banks.
Thank you, and with cordial good wishes, I am.
Yours very truly
Immodest Lee Lawyer''
PREPARE FOR REALITY
Responses to a questionnaire handed out to the students in an introductory paralegal class:
Please describe, in your own words, what you think a paralegal is and what job duties you think a paralegal performs
A paralegal goes to court with her boss and helps him do reserch and get ready for the trial.
A paralegal travels to exiting places with her boss and is his right hand for whatever he needs her to do in legal work.
A paralegal spends most of her time in the libery doing research of law and cases and stuff for the lawyer.
A paralegal has her own office and makes a lot of money. A magazine article told me mostly what paralegals do, but I am in this class to find out.
And others don't get it either:
I told him that I'm a paralegal. He thinks I am a lawyer who jumps out of airplanes-in parachutes. (Compendium-Orange County Paralegal Association, Oct. 1990).
BUMPER STICKER CORNER
From Dawn Crider, a paralegal in Austin:
(Submit your bumper sticker ideas. The ten best will be published (and credited to you, if you wish!) Thanks, Dawn!
LITTLE LEGAL PROFESSIONALS?
Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
And the Child Witness
Q. And lastly, Kevin, all your responses must be oral, okay? What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. And where do you live?
A. Oral.
We wish to acknowledge the encouragement and support of Chief Judge Jerry Buchmeyer, United States District Judge, Northern District of Texas and to thank him for the great ideas and stories he has shared.
Thank you for your contributions to Your Witless. In addition to funny typos and other aberrations of the written and spoken word, we would like to have short "war stories" from the legal community. We know that the legal profession has had more than its share of truly hilarious happenings, some of which will be lost forever if they are not printed. Please let us hear some of them!
Let us know if your submission should be credited and if so, to whom. Mail your contributions to Gigi Linne, P. O. Box 3580, Midland, Texas 79702.