The Familiar World of SNAFUs
We appreciate all contributions to this column, and, in particular we welcome "war stories." At the Publications Committee meeting in Dallas on June 21, the format and "aim" of the column were discussed in detail, and we agreed that it is desirable to focus on the witty stories that you have to share with your fellow legal professionals. The only stumbling block (or the only block over which WE will stumble.) IS GETTING YOU TO SUBMIT THOSE STORIES! If you want to read the humorous events that occur in the life of the legal community, please share!
On that note, we appreciate the following submission by Cynthia Minchillo, a legal assistant in Dallas, who has kindly consented to our use of excerpts from her college class speech where she regaled her class with "The Anatomy of a Lawyer (Just for Fun)."
Most people are very curious about doctors and lawyers (or physicians and attorneys). You know important people have two titles. Neither one of them can give you a professional opinion without getting paid nor having a signed contract. A doctor cannot answer your questions without test results, and a lawyer can usually answer your questions, but it's not the answer you were looking for. But, for this article, I will focus discussion on two types of lawyers and their idiosyncrasies. Maybe I can clarify a few things for you.
Although there are many more categories, these two are the funniest to learn about and will help you to have a better understanding of lawyers. The first category is the "Anal Retentive/Overly Cautious Lawyer." The second category is the "Sloborama".
The "Anal Retentive/Overly Cautious Lawyer" is very neat in appearance. He dresses so well that Calvin Klein can't hold a candle to him - note the monogrammed, crisp white shirt! One hand is occupied with a Dictaphone, while the other hand is occupied with a cellular phone. To fully complement the power accessories, he is adorned with a power tie which he is often seen running his hand down (when that hand is free of a power accessory), directing your attention to the tie - in case you failed to notice it. To complement the power tie, he wears expensive Italian leather shoes which he props on the desk or conference room table. In his suit fabric, the pin stripes direct your attention to the Italian leather because it would look too weird if he ran his hand down his pants to his shoes. This attorney thinks he is God. ( Do you know the difference between God and this lawyer? God doesn't think He is a lawyer!) As the "Overly Cautious Lawyer," he is never without his red pen because he edits and reedits the documents until he finally runs out of time. Even if you just give him a memo about the dates of your vacation, it will come back with red ink corrections. Documents to be filed by 5:00 p.m. are not finalized until 4:30 p.m. when you have hidden the rest of the red pens, or they all have run out of ink. (This is where the legal assistant pulls out her racing license to get to the appropriate court house by 4:55 p.m. no matter what county that court house sits in!!)
Or you could land a job with the "Sloborama Lawyer." These attorneys pretty much leave everything up their legal assistants - including the practice of law. They are full of stories and interesting anecdotes (or what they think are interesting!) that will save you and the world around you. They do not wear crisp, monogrammed shirts, but they wear unbuttoned shirts, dockers, and inexpensive leather loafers with tassels. Their attitudes complement their dress codes because these lawyers could not find their desks if you cleared them off. Their offices are often cluttered with cases, books and newspapers all over the floor, credenza, and couch. In every crevice and corner lies a potential malpractice suit as the new case that was faxed in on Saturday morning lands in the dust collection. That's really scary. The Sloborama possesses glasses - glasses of liquid intelligence. They will always credit luck with the fact that they have been able to get away with drinking, practicing law, and not getting in trouble for years. I heard one such lawyer say, "You are never totally useless because you can always be used as a bad example." Sloboramas can be fun to work with, but when the going gets tough, this lawyer is nowhere to be found. And where is the legal assistant? She is looking around the Sloborama's office for potential exhibits in the firm's next malpractice suit.
You should have a pretty clear picture of these two types of attorneys. But if you are ever in the market to hire a lawyer, remember talk is cheap, unless you are a lawyer. (One more thing - do you know how copper wire was invented? Two lawyers were fighting over a penny! )
In a lawsuit arising from a rear-end collision, the Plaintiff's attorney was seeking to show that the Defendant driver was in a hurry when his one-ton truck rear ended the subcompact automobile driven by the Plaintiff. The Plaintiff's attorney, through his artful questioning of the Defendant, (who was testifying through an interpreter) established that the Defendant was returning the company truck to his place of employment about 5 p.m. when this accident occurred. The cross-examination of the Defendant concluded as follows:
Q: And you were in a hurry to get that vehicle back to the yard by 5 p.m. weren't you sir?
A: No sir, I gets paid by the hour.
The jury concluded that the sudden stop committed by the Plaintiff was the sole cause of the accident.
"DIVORCING? I AM HERE FOR YOU.
STUDLY A. QUESTIONABLE, ATTORNEY AT LAW."
(Your place or mine?)
Thank you for your contributions to Your Witless. We are happy to have the material you submit, and we promise to credit you or publish your witless items anonymously if you wish. Mail your contributions to Gigi Linne, 4606 Lanham, Midland, Texas 79705.
TEXAS PARALEGAL JOURNAL
Fall 1996
©1996 Legal Assistants Division, State Bar of Texas